True blue

Dear Diary,

Yes,yes, I KNOW I haven't been journaling lately. I've tried scribbling down thoughts that run through my mind but when I put paper to pen, I draw a blank. Don't ask me why because I can't even answer myself so I guess I took a break. A much needed break.

The relationship between Gopal and myself took a hard fall for the first few months since he came back. We didn't agree with anything until we stopped and realized all of this isn't worth it. We loved each other too much to tear the other one apart.

We both have a lot of learning and growing up to do in spite of what we've concluded we should do. I need to grow up and realize I can let my guards down with him and trust that I can rely on him if things in my life falls apart.
He needs to realize I can't stand alone all the time anymore. I need him to step in and make decisions with me.

God and I both know I'm bloody stubborn but heck I can't help it. I'm not a control queen, I'm a control freak. I need to know what comes next not wait for what hurls at me first. I place boundaries for me all the time and sometimes I don't realize what effect it can have on the people closest to me. My expectations can be very self centered but if not told, I'm just as oblivious as the blind guy next to me.

And I'm just scared that I wont be able to live the life I've dreamt for myself because of others.

I want a peace of mind, a time of knowing that everything will be alright and I want that time to be now. I don't want to be scared anymore.

But I just don't know how.

Joan