Naked

Dear Diary,

If I should fall, a bed of red rose petals I hope to fall on. If I should miss a step and fall down a flight of stairs, I wish I would laugh the pain away. If today should all go wrong, I hope to God I'd still see a smilling face waiting for me at home and I pray he be naked.

Yes, yes, an overdue apology comes along this line.Sorry.

I'm sorry for everything I didn't say to you when you needed me to be mature most. I'm sorry for getting you worried everytime I fall sick. You know I never meant all those things I say when I'm mad. I'm sorry mostly for being so stubborn and letting my ego get in the way of all the apologies I should have at least muttered.

There, short and sweet.

Oh and I love you. And your boxers are in the drawer.

Love forever and always,
Joan

True blue

Dear Diary,

Yes,yes, I KNOW I haven't been journaling lately. I've tried scribbling down thoughts that run through my mind but when I put paper to pen, I draw a blank. Don't ask me why because I can't even answer myself so I guess I took a break. A much needed break.

The relationship between Gopal and myself took a hard fall for the first few months since he came back. We didn't agree with anything until we stopped and realized all of this isn't worth it. We loved each other too much to tear the other one apart.

We both have a lot of learning and growing up to do in spite of what we've concluded we should do. I need to grow up and realize I can let my guards down with him and trust that I can rely on him if things in my life falls apart.
He needs to realize I can't stand alone all the time anymore. I need him to step in and make decisions with me.

God and I both know I'm bloody stubborn but heck I can't help it. I'm not a control queen, I'm a control freak. I need to know what comes next not wait for what hurls at me first. I place boundaries for me all the time and sometimes I don't realize what effect it can have on the people closest to me. My expectations can be very self centered but if not told, I'm just as oblivious as the blind guy next to me.

And I'm just scared that I wont be able to live the life I've dreamt for myself because of others.

I want a peace of mind, a time of knowing that everything will be alright and I want that time to be now. I don't want to be scared anymore.

But I just don't know how.

Joan

Breaking point

Could this be the ending or the beginning? Can leave everything behind and start all over again? I wonder.

I keep falling over and over again after getting off my knees.

Can you just be considerate enough to realize I'm placed here because of you. I don't mean to chanel my pain and anger towards you but sometimes I fell you leave me with no choice. I'm struggling, practically suffocating and I'm reaching out for help but you never try to save me. Why?

I've put all my friends at arms length, never wanting to show I can't cope, never showing them any tears. I can't do this anymore than I already have, don't you understand? I'm not asking you to fix my shattered dreams or my life but I'm asking for some sort of compassion.

Don't break my heart more than it already has, it can't stand anymore. I don't need you to feel sorry. Sorry doesn't mean anything when it's repeated time again. Yes, everyone makes mistakes but not so often as to put the one you claim you love in the battlefield, wounded.

I have times where I wish I was dead. This is one of them.

Maybe now you'd do something.

New Year, new luck?

Dear Diary,

Sometimes we all need a break from reality but when your dreams scare you too, where do you turn to run?

Lets start with a sigh. *sigh*

Another year has passed and I'm back in Singapore again. Back to that job I "OH-sooo-love". Yes, my sarcasm manage to seep through into this year too. I have no resolutions this year. I've decided not to have any because I've never really kept them anyways so why bother?

Gopal's back and that has been one of the few good things I can count on to put a smile on my face. I sound so depressed but try waking up from a nightmare where your father stabs you with a metal pole-twice and then tell me how you'd feel.

Getting back to business, New years was at my cousin's pub with me being pissed (pissed off not pissed drunk unfortunately). People can be so full of bullshit. You bugged your friend to come and when her cousin gets drunk, you carry on partying while your friend has to attend to her floor crashing-toilet hugging-puking her guts out cousin. A little inconsiderate don't you think?

And worst, due to very bad directions, I drove against traffic in fury!

Fantastic start to the new year dont you think.

I wish I could give you a more upbeat entry but I can't, not today at least.

Till I return from Rome.

Joan

Her name was Lola, she was a show girl...lalala

Dear Diary,

Yours truly is the new comeback kid! I dont think Gopal was convinced I could draw a story board since I've been absent from the art department for years. I lost inspiration to do any artsy fartsy work like this portrait here which was done in Jan 2004, before I graced Singapore with my constant presence.



Today, I decided to pick up my pencils and start again, inspired by the fact that I'm going to be back in school soon, I hope. Here is the unfinished portrait of what is suppose to be me.



Lol. It's a difficult attempt, I admit, but I'm currently inspired to take it all on. Remember, portrait isn't finished but once it is, I'll post it up here and you better hope that it will be soon if not please ring me and find out if I've disappeared from the scene again which holds some possibility.

Ness called today crying. She was pms-sy like little ole me here as well and she was upset with Ed for being insensitive about it. Little does Ed know that Gopal had to endure several short calls from me which ended with me telling him, at different times, how he should go to hell, how everything is his fault (even the fact that I was sick),how I hated him, how he should fuck off and then me putting the phone down on him on most of the conversations
The last call for that dreadful hour of tantrum was me calling him, again, crying like a baby and he, laughing his ass off at the fact that I had that many moodswings in such a short span of time.

And no, baby, this is not where I apologise. As I've said before, I'm going to bleed soon and that gives me every right to act like a spoilt child with cravings.I will, on the other hand,promise to sayang you excessively when I'm done. Deal?
So, Ed, I know you're reading this right now so count your blessings. Ness did not over react. You under reacted. She needs to be manja-ed. I need to be manja-ed. So, both of you get you acts together and just manja us will you?

Eh, Eddie, I dont mind some too you know.*grins*

Speaking about pre menstrual cravings, I went beserk and ransacked NTUC for whatever that came close to satisfying me. I'm craving for fish soup right now..

I wonder if they're still open at this hour...

Love,
Joan

Birthday Girl

Dear Diary,

Yours truly is 22 today. Can't believe I'm this old. At midnight streams of msgs and calls came through reminding me things are going to be good today.
Anyhows, my darling boyfriend decided to suprise me with a Birthday gift. Suresh called and said he needed to pass me some stuff. Sorta suspected it but was denied by Gopal and Suresh bout the present.

Anyhows, I got a pair of earings and a necklace in addition to the ring and necklace I received last year from him too.


The Earings


The Necklace.(and No, I'm not naked,thank you)

I love you baby.Thank you for such a beautiful gift.
Oh and happy Birthday to me!!

Love,
Joan

Blah

Dear Diary,

Yes, what a crappy birthday it's going to be. Ah well, now I know how it feels to not care about my birthday.
I should be more estatic but I'm not. I wish he was back already.

24 more days till he's back.

love,
Joan

Dreaming yet again

Dear Diary,

I had a dream. I dreamt I was being attacked by this demon possesed guy. He had a strong grip but there was another guy. He tried but he couldn't get me out of this monsters arms.Nonetheless, he never let anything happen to me. He fought for me. Never once giving up.

I wish I could say more but I wont because it's just a dream.

I'm gonna go back to sleep.

Love,
Joan

End the "and"

Dear Diary,

Am now looking through colleges and universities to calculate the fees and rub it in my face the fact that I can't afford it. Not my course. That's the problem with being an arts student, there is no time for anything else but the pile of assignments due tomorrow.I'm not saying anything else is easier but our assignments consists of paintings and sketches and designs that if you screw up with a scratch can't be backspaced.
I miss that life where I'd stay up three nights in a row struggling to finish six to eight sketches with two paintings half done.

I met the two people who helped mould me to who I am today..Zaheer and Sue-Ann.
How I wish I could just turn back the clock to that very first day of college..Induction Day.
*sigh*

Now with Gopal coming home, I'm snapped back into planning my future. As you know, we're or rather, I'm moving along with him to wherever it is he going. Today he called and checked if Qatar was okay?

Honestly?- Not really. I read up on Qatar and found out that getting a visa is nearly as impossible to split an arrow through the middle with another one. The other way in is through Virginia Commonwealth University of the Arts Qatar or I could just join Qatar Airways. So not going to happen.

MaybeI'm just to sick to think about anything right now or maybe I just do not want to think of the impossible. I'll leave that to the dreaming department.

Norway,Australia,London and now Qatar...Baby, make up your mind.

Joan